Censorship’s a funny thing. In the American broadcast version of Die Hard 2, Bruce Willis cries “Yippee-kay-aye, Mr Falcon!” instead of “Yippee-kay-aye, motherfucker!”. Never mind the trivialisation of human death – it’s the use of a word that wouldn’t shock a grandmother that had to be censored. Ok, that sentiment sounded much more profound in my head.

The first time I drank in Mr Falcon’s, one of Glebe’s latest small bars, I asked the owner about the name and he told me about the Die Hard censorship, adding he’s also a Bogart – and Maltese Falcon – fan (which explains Bogie’s face appearing both on the sign outside the bar and behind the bar counter). Considering Glebe also sports a Bogart’s pizza place, it looks like Glebe really is Humphrey’s suburb.

Since I waffled so much in the first two paragraphs, I’ll cut to the chase now: the best way to describe Mr Falcon’s is that it’s a low-key, casual small bar where you can lounge on sofas while drinking affordably-priced craft beers.

The décor is … well, let’s call it eclectic: each sofa looks different to the next one (my favourite is the animal print one), there’s lava lamps in the fireplace, plastic faux candles on the tables, milk crates, paper lanterns, a chandelier and a fedora (ala Bogart) hanging on one wall. While I can’t see this place appearing in the pages of Vogue Living any time soon (the best way to describe the look is to call it “uni student chic”) it is comfortable. I know several people who criticise small bars because they feel they’re being judged by the hipster crowd (not that this bothers me – I just assume hipsters have better things to do than think about me for even a split second), but there’s no problem of that here – the crowd tends to be a little older and is relatively hipster free. There’s also a large tree-filled courtyard for the cigarette and nature lovers.

Mr Falcon’s serves cocktails and has some spirits and wines behind the counter, as well as jugs of sangria, but its forte – as far as I’m concerned – is with its selection of boutique beers. The one I keep drinking here is the 4 Pines Hefeweizen, which is a great German-style wheat beer – I hate fruity beers with a passion, but this manages to have just a touch of banana to it without it becoming urgh. And yes, urgh is an official beer tasting term.

Mr Falcon’s, 92 Glebe Point Road, Glebe, phone 9029 6626, see the Mr Falcon’s website. Open Monday to Saturday until midnight, Sunday until 10pm.

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2. The Little Guy – Glebe
3. Tommy’s Beer Café – Glebe

Glebe’s nightspots are multiplying like rabbits on ecstasy, with two small bars opening within the same week.

One is a casual, sofa-filled affair called Mr Falcon that I’ll review soon – but for now I’ll focus on The Little Guy, which is just a few minutes walk away and looks as if a landscape gardener designed it.

I say this because there’s a horizontal ladder, a watering can and metal pails with plants growing out of them that hang above the bar counter, while the bar counter top is made from a large rough-edged wooden slab that looks like half a tree. There’s also some tree-thingie (I’m not good with horticultural terms – even cacti die in my care) that’s painted on the wall.

Most of the seating here is at the bar counter, which combined with the jovial staff (they genuinely seem to be enjoying themselves) makes this feel like a friendly neighbourhood bar.

Drinks wise they have the Hangman beer and the Pickpocket cider on tap, both from the Rocks Brewing Company (which is connected to Harts Pub) as well as some craft beers, a number of wines and a short cocktail menu that looks like it’ll change frequently.

After sticking with the Hangman beer (which is served in pints or half pints) on my first and second visits here (it’s a great brew), I try the Tommy’s Margarita on my third visit – and it’s good. I like how they use Don Julio tequila and organic agave syrup, and that they asked me if I wanted the rim salted. For $16, you can’t really beat this.

I also try their Bourbon Bitter and Twisted cocktail, which I like although my gay wingman isn’t as fond of it. Made with a shot of Makers Mark, a shot of American Honey by Wild Turkey, as well as grapefruit juice and bitters, this is like a fresh and fruity take on an Old Fashioned. I try to point out that the cocktail’s name matches the GW’s persona, but that doesn’t appease him either.

Food wise they serve fresh popcorn (the staff are continually popping corn behind the bar) as well as nibbles such as pate, hummus, brie and prosciutto. However, the popcorn’s so plentiful – and addictive – that I stick to that. In addition to the front bar there’s also some seating down the back and an area upstairs, but it’s the front bar that makes this place special. With their predilection for rock and roll (the Rolling Stones was playing on my last visit) and an upbeat vibe, this is definitely a bar I’ll be going back to again and again.

The Little Guy, 87 Glebe Point Road, Glebe. See The Little Guy website. Open until midnight Tuesday to Saturday, and until 10pm Sunday.

Now it’s your turn – how do you rate The Little Guy?

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There’s a stuffed ferret standing metres from where I’m drinking my caipirinha. Pert, feisty and somewhat glazed, I suspect that ferret symbolises all that is good and different about The Dock, Redfern’s latest small bar.

After all, the macho antler horns and bull’s heads that you see in other bars wouldn’t suit The Dock’s underdog feel. Or perhaps I should say underferret. Located next door to an electrical outlet shop near Redfern’s train station, The Dock’s decor has a charming low-rent appeal: think exposed brick walls, a dartboard, lights that look like old street lamps on the wall (these are the fanciest fixtures), ancient leather sofas, an old piano and barrels. To complete the atmosphere, rock and roll music plays on a record player behind the bar. All these ingredients could have created yet another try-hard hipster bar but here they somehow work perfectly. In fact, it genuinely feels so down at heel that I find The Dock strangely comforting – perhaps because it reminds me of my apartment, only without the snarling cat.

Then again, one thing I have in my apartment that The Dock doesn’t is a muddling stick, as I realised while watching the bartender muddle the lime for my caipirinha with the flat end of a bar spoon. This isn’t ideal (I like my limes to be pulverised) but the result still works. It’s not the best caipirinha I’ve ever had, but it’s decent and I can’t argue with the $10 price that applies to all cocktails on Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays.

The service is also great – both the guys working here seem genuinely friendly, which alone makes me warm to this bar. They also serve Carter, a New Zealand lager so obscure that even my alcoholic Kiwi friend with an obsession for his country’s beers has never heard of it. It’s not bad for $5 though and good on a hot Sydney night. It also goes with the bowl of popcorn they serve with drinks. Other drink options include the Flaming Moe (a shot made with absinthe and a secret ingredient) and two beer cocktails, one of which involves adding Skittles to it. I’ve heard several people rave about this but I’m giving it a miss.

In short, The Dock is a great little bar for those who don’t take their cocktails seriously. If I lived in the area I’d no doubt make it my local – although I’d also probably bring my muddling stick with me.

The Dock, 182 Redfern Street, Redfern.

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Review by Emma Gardiner

Some things just belong together; Summernats and bogans, gin and despair, high heels and osteopaths.

At Essen, a German-style bier haus at Broadway, it’s all about European beverages and schnitzels the size of manta rays.

The problem is that Kitteh Daddeh and I wander off the reservation, distracted by crumbed deep-fried Camembert ($10), crumbed mushrooms (also deep-fried – $8.50) and Dutch beef croquettes (you guessed it: deep-fried – $10). After a quick assessment, I take the cheese, he takes the mushrooms and we mutually agree that the croquettes are creepy (mashed cooked meat).

To add to the confusion, I order a Mango Weizen that, for the uninitiated, is 500ml of cloudy wheat beer with a shot of mango juice ($11). The fresh-faced German waiter tells me it’s a good girlie summer beer. Turns out I’m not a good girlie; I am not at all taken with this. I think the beer would have been great by itself.

Why, then, did I order the Grapefruit Weizen? Who knows? All I know is that I can be really dumb sometimes. Kitteh Daddeh loves his Altenmünster fliptop ($11 for 500ml), a Bavarian pilsener that’s not too heavy, which is just as well since he also ordered the Weiner veal schnitzel ($19.50) that comes with buttery, golden rosti and a side of raw cabbage salad. He also orders a side of sauerkraut that is apparently as good as his mother used to make; it’s smoky and the vinegar is well balanced. He looks at it protectively every time I go near it with my fork.

I order oven roasted duck served with braised red cabbage, potato dumpling and marzipan-stuffed apple ($29.50). After all the cheese, my appetite has taken a beating so I really have to labour through this heavy dish; the serving sizes are huge.

The décor has a touch of chalet chic; folk-art painted chairs, exposed brick walls and a mass of warm timber tables. It walks the fine line between casual and civilised with a cheerful smile.

On balance, I think Essen is a man’s paradise. So long as you think like a man, and order like a man, you will be as happy as a man.

Essen, 133-135 Broadway / Ultimo See the Essen website

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Now it’s your turn – how do you rate Essen?

Related posts:

1. Tommy’s Beer Café – Glebe
2. Redoak Beer Café – Sydney CBD
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The thought’s occurred to me that I should host a Bar Zine awards night for Sydney’s best bars – except that I don’t like hosting parties (or going to any party if the alcohol isn’t free) and the only prizes I’d want to give would be autographed photos of my cat.

This might explain why I am not a media mogul.

Nevertheless, if I were to give an award for most unpretentious bar then the winner would certainly be Freda’s.

From the outside all you see is a driveway on Regent Street with a sign hanging off a fence that has “Freda’s” written in chalk on it – and the décor inside is equally simple. This is a bare bones bar with chain link fences, naked bulbs, exposed brick walls, and bare wooden surfaces. The cocktail menu, however, speaks volumes. It includes a 50/50 sazerac made with both rye and cognac, the Brooklyn cocktail (an old classic forgotten by most), not to mention drinks such as the Southside and Bourbon Sour – cocktails for those who like the taste of liquor.

I think the best drink here is the Brooklyn, made with rye whiskey, dry vermouth, Amer Picon and maraschino liqueur and served with a maraschino cherry. This is a sultry drink, similar to a Manhattan but, in my opinion, more sophisticated in flavour.

My second favourite cocktail here is the Grapefruit Mezcal Margarita with pink salt ($17 – to be honest, I forgot how much the Brooklyn cost but it was in the same ballpark). Made with El Señorio Mezcal Reposado, Cointreau, fresh lime and pink grapefruit juice, this is a good variation on a margarita that has a stronger flavour thanks to the aged mezcal.

The only disappointment is with the Sazerac, which is decent but nowhere near as great as the Brooklyn – and coming from a Sazerac obsessive like me, that says something. I’m not sure why this Sazerac doesn’t work for me since the guys here obviously know what they’re doing – they use La Mercier absinthe (which I love), Remy VSOP and Wild Turkey rye for this drink – but it just doesn’t gel for me.

The food, however, is spot on. Specials are written on a chalkboard and I and my drinking partner, a lapsed Canadian with a rye whiskey fetish, try the slow roasted pork shoulder with pickles ($12) and the sardines, pine nuts and currants ($12) – both of which are perfect bar food.

Funk music is playing softly, the service is exceptional, and even the free bowl of nuts that they gave was above average, thanks to a mix of pistachios, pecans and almonds.

In short, I’m impressed. Really impressed. To the owner of Freda’s: if you want an autographed photo of my cat, you merely have to ask.

Freda’s, 107 Regent Street, Chippendale. Open everyday until late. See Freda’s website

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There are light bulbs suspended in glass jars, newspaper used as wallpaper, empty picture frames on the wall and a quirky red-topped wooden bar counter. This is Jester Seeds, Newtown’s latest small bar – and it’s good to see a drinking hole that genuinely suits the area’s vibe.

I’m here on a Saturday night with my gay wingman, who likes the unpretentious atmosphere. Most of the seating involves retro second-hand armchairs and lounges (which matches the retro music – the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds is playing while we’re here) but we claim the two bar stools and perch at the counter.

I order the Cascadeur, which is made with Campari, lemon juice, almond and orange syrup and topped with sparkling red wine ($16). The result is tart, bitter and although it’s good I’m not in love with it. Once I get through the initial layer of sparkling, however, I find myself enjoying it much more – perhaps it needed just a little less of the sparkling to begin with to make it work perfectly.

The gay wingman orders the Penicillin, made with Johnnie Walker, lemon juice, honey, ginger syrup, egg white and topped with Ardberg Islay single malt ($17). The smokiness hits first and foremost, and while the GW initially finds it a bit overpowering he also starts enjoying it more once he gets past the Islay topping.

The service here, however, is faultless – friendly, fast and seemingly genuine. They’ve also got an eclectic food menu: Marinated beef tacos, seafood pancakes, ceviche and chicken ball skewers, while their special of the night is ox tongue skewers. We’re not sure if this is a genuine special or an expression of the bar’s sense of humour, and we’re too ashamed to ask because we figure we’d seem ignorant either way.

Overall, though, we both love this bar, from the backroom with exposed brick walls to the astro-turfed courtyard. It’s funky without being tacky and laid back without being lazy. But I’m still not sure about the ox tongue skewers

Jester Seeds, 127 King Street, Newtown. Open Tuesday to Saturday until midnight and Sunday until 10pm. See the Jester Seeds website

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As someone who’s suckled schnitzels from childhood I was tempted to visit Tommy’s Beer Café ever since it opened several months back. Located on Glebe Point Road (down the Broadway end near the primary school), this looks like your typical schnitzel joint – wooden tables, benches and plenty of stein glasses. However, there is a difference – instead of being German, this has more of a Czech and Slovakian influence, as shown by the beer and spirit selection.

The reason I didn’t go until now is that it looks too bright and social for me – I prefer dark bars where I can loiter in corners or on bar stools (where I belong), whereas this is more of a restaurant where you’d want to be with company. However, when my svelte lady friend, her skinhead brother and their entourage popped into town and asked me to join them, I forced myself to leave my beloved cat and venture into the world. The promise of schnitzel helped.

Tommy’s has a range of Czech, German and Belgian beers, as well as the Golden Pheasant from the Slovak Republic, but their main one seems to be the Czech Bernard Lager and Bernard Dark (which isn’t a world away from Guinness in terms of colour and taste).

I, however, like the Czech Cut ($7.90 for half a litre) the most. This is a blend of dark Bernard and the normal Bernard Lager that results in an easy to drink beer with nutty malt flavours. It also reminds of the the Black and Tan beers I used to drink in the US.

We order pretzels (which I’m glad to say are soft, freshly made and not overly salted), pork crackling (which I’m not impressed with – I think they have little taste and have the consistency of rock candy, although the skinhead loves them) and I resist the schnitzel’s lure so I can order the goulash soup instead ($12), which is spicy and hits the spot nicely.

Tommy’s also has a surprisingly good absinthe selection, so at the svelte lady friend’s request we order the Lemercier ($15.50), a high quality French absinthe (although the menu incorrectly says it’s Swiss) that’s served with the traditional ice water fountain.

They also serve Becherovka ($6.50), a light brown herbal Czech spirit that combines anise, clove and cinnamon flavours. It’s unusual and I like its sweet bitterness – although I’m not sure I’d order it again in a hurry. I can, however, imagine using it in cocktails.

The service could be better – I need to ask for water three times before it arrives, and in our second round of ordering beers mine doesn’t come until five to ten minutes after everyone else’s does. But they were helpful when I asked about their spirit selection and I also like the ambiance here, with jazz folk playing so quietly that it doesn’t overwhelm conversations.

In short, I might just come back here the next time I feel social. Or like a schnitzel.

Tommy’s Beer Café, 123 Glebe Point Road, Glebe. See the Tommy’s Beer Café website

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Now it’s your turn – how do you rate Tommy’s Beer Cafe?

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A Chicago speakeasy-styled pop-up bar called Five Eliza is now running until October 2 in Newtown as part of the Fringe Festival. Actually, it’s been running since September 9 but hey, it’s better to be late than never, right? Right?

Five Eliza is located in The School of Arts Ballroom, which is a hundred years old and features high ornate ceilings and chandeliers. 5 Eliza’s attractions include:

• Live music Tuesday to Saturday nights from 8pm (for example, Tuesdays and Wednesdays feature jazz from Geoff Bull’s New Orleans Four)
• Classic cocktails such as Whiskey Sours, Sazeracs plus there’ll be an absinthe fountain
• Pastries, pies, rolls and quiches from the local Black Star patisserie

There’ll also be a two-hour weekly Green Fairy absinthe masterclass (history, alchemy, mixing and drinking) each Saturday at 12noon (Sept 24 and Oct 1) that costs $20. To be honest, Bar Zine has never been a fan of this Czech absinthe but then again we are absinthe snobs.

5 Eliza – Fringe Club, 5 Eliza Street, Newtown (behind the Zanzibar Hotel). Open 5pm until midnight every day. See the 5 Elzia website

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The old pub tiles are still on the outside but The Abercrombie has had a serious overhaul. Taken over by the folks behind Flinders and Norfolk, it now feels modern with a retro – almost Happy Days meets The Brady Bunch – vibe.

Fifties rock and roll is playing, while the décor reflects a range of time periods – think tartan carpet, 70s-style green and yellow fabric banquettes, kitschy beer trays on the wall, a bookshelf (an increasingly common sight in Sydney bars, though the shelves are only filled with old encyclopedias and other tat), and metal lightshades.

Part of me thinks they’re trying a little hard – but the other part loves the music, the stools around the middle bar, and the metal cage high above the bar counter that holds liquor bottles.

Another big change is that there are now a lot of wooden tables for groups and couples to sit at. The food here ranges from $5.50 tacos to $17 burgers and US style sandwiches such as the double cheeseburger and Philly cheesesteak (which I plan on trying next time I’m here) as well as $17 nachos with lamb brisket.

The cocktails here are aimed at the uni crowd – offerings include the Cameltoe, Lagerita and Berroca colada – and so I order a beer instead while waiting for a surly friend who works as a nude model to arrive. I realise her occupation adds nothing to this review, but I wanted to mention it anyway. When the surly nude model finally enters she sneers at the suggestion of a Cameltoe, orders a beer and insists on eating food.

The tacos are good enough to make up for the cocktail list – we try the chorizo, red cabbage and queso fresco taco with jalapeno sauce as well as the chipotle chicken with capsicum, blackbean relish, fresco and tomatillo salsa taco and they’re both great. I also like their tequila selection behind the bar, which includes Don Julio, and that they serve sangrita shots. The deep-fried Golden Gaytime ($7) on the menu also intrigues.

For the most part I’m impressed with the Abercrombie, despite my hatred of the cocktail menu and the TVs showing footy (although in their defence, at least the sound is muted). The service is friendly, the atmosphere casual, and the food is great. Even the nude model seems a little less surly by the time we leave.

The Abercrombie, corner of Abercrombie Street and Broadway, opposite UTS. Open every day until late. See The Abercrombie website

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Reviewed by Jess Black

Newtown can be a cynical suburb and as such its newest drinking spot, Funky Bar, faces an uphill battle.

That isn’t to say a foreigner can’t find its place – Keystone Hospitality, owners of Cargo, Bungalow 8 and Sugarmill, has had a roaring success with Freaky Tiki (though they did their fair share of tweaking, dropping their initial drinks prices and initiating a generous happy hour that sent the rest of King Street into a panicked replication).

Funky Bar, with its colour-coordinated fittings and feature wall, is definitely foreign. But with an influx of young professionals into the area that leaves iconic Newtown joints like the Sando looking a tad quaint, who’s to say there isn’t a market for a pedigree cocktail hour?

And so as easy as it might be to dismiss Funky Bar as too smooth for Newtown, Dan and I resolve to take in our drinks with an open mind.

They don’t make it easy for us.

For a start there’s the neon red sign outside that, set off against the charcoal awning, finds unfortunate resonance further down at 77 Enmore Road (for those of you unfamiliar with it, 77 is a brothel).

And while the textured, black and red wallpaper evokes a classier by-the-hour boudoir than the exterior, the lighting is still a little too bright for my taste, and never having been one to play dance music as I made love, I can’t say I’m all together seduced.

Service is super friendly and our waitress is more than happy to fill us in on what’s what, including the live music that plays Tuesday through Saturday (we’re here on a Monday and so miss out). This spiel includes such non sequiturs as a musician who embodies both Cat Empire and the Scissor Sisters, and another who evokes Beyonce and Aretha.

In other words, it’s a listenable line-up of soul infused pop-rock. The Funky Bar website furnishes this with a list of regular musicians: Carlos C Major, Aj, Mark Da-Costa and Amali Ward & Jordan Millar.

Dan orders the Moscow Mule (vodka, lime, fresh ginger and topped with ginger beer) and is pleased with it. I have a craving for amaretto and opt for the Almond and Peach Sour (amaretto, peach liqueur and lemon). The balance, however, seems a little off, with the amaretto overwhelming the peach and lemon – although in the bar’s defence, the menu promises a “large dose” of almond.

Drinks include Funky favourites such as the Watermelon Martini and the Lou Lou as well as cocktail standards, and a sangria that the website promises “has put a smile on the face of even the harshest critics”.

Clearly our (peach) sour pusses would have benefited from a glass.

Funky Bar, 256 King Street, Newtown. Open every day until midnight. See the Funky Bar website

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