A night in De Nom has always felt like being in a Mexican telenovela (soap opera) for me, even though its décor is inspired by 18th-century France. After all, amongst its chandeliers, silk-tented ceilings and antique furniture I’ve feared for my life, fallen in love twice, and been rejected and ridiculed – although you could argue the last two situations happen to me all over Sydney. But I digress: let’s focus on the bar before I start telling tales about my inadequacies.

If you’ve ever been to the palace of Versailles (or seen Marie Antoinette with Kirsten Dunst) you’ll have a sense of how this bar feels – although it still has to be seen to be believed. From the velvet day bed, 23-carat gold gilt wall panels and fur rugs to the most bizarre bathroom I’ve ever seen in any bar in the world (I’ll talk about this in a moment), De Nom makes you feels like you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole – which is appropriate, since it’s located above Ruby Rabbit on Oxford Street.

It’s open to the public but entry is far from guaranteed, if only because it’s a hot spot for visiting celebrities such as Mischa Barton – unless, that is, you purchase a $10,000 a year membership that guarantees you VIP treatment. As such, it’s recommended to contact them first and put yourself on the list.

Another upcoming attraction for VIPs will be the Bookcase Room, a hidden enclave that can only be accessed by pulling on a book within the bookcase situated near the bathroom. However, the book required to trigger this James Bond-style secret door will change from night to night, with only VIP members told which book to tweak – or so we’re told, although we’ll have to see for ourselves once it’s built. If, that is, we’re even allowed in.

Secrets are all well and good for VIP rooms, but Bar Zine wishes the toilet wasn’t so cryptic to use. The first time I attempted it, after waiting in a line filled with impatient girls (I had to promise the lass behind me I wouldn’t be long when she pressured me to use the urinal – hey, I needed to use dental floss, and you mustn’t neglect your gums), I found myself in a well appointed dressing room that seemed to have everything – except the star attraction. There’s a mirror, an ornate Louis XIV chair and a bench but … no lavatory. So after flossing I began scanning each surface: is there a button I’m meant to be pushing? A revolving wall? Does it fold out from somewhere?

It’s then I heard the girls’ voices from outside:

“What’s he doing in there?” one asked impatiently.

“Probably having a masty,” another said.

I was tempted to yell out that I most certainly wasn’t having a masty when I lifted the chair’s cushion and found the porcelain bowl. I took a whiz, pressed the flush and … nothing happened.

I tried again, frantically pulling on it, but there’s not even a trickle.

“Must be a good wank,” one of the girls said.

“Why can’t they last this long during sex?” the other responded.

“I’m coming!” I screamed, before realising that could be misconstrued.

That, incidentally, was the incident I referred to above when I said I was ridiculed. I could tell you the other incidents but … well, perhaps another time. After all, this is meant to be a bar review.

So down to business: the cocktails. The signature drink is the apple and cinnamon mojito with Pampero rum, which contains apple liqueur, limes, mint, sugar and cinnamon powder. Quite frankly I believe a mojito is a classic that should simply be made with muddled limes, good quality rum, mint leaves, sugar syrup and served on ice (the less soda water, the better) but then again, I am a purist (and possibly a wanker). Other cocktails on the list include the Lychee Rose Fig and Ginger Martini, the Watermelon and Basil Smash and the Tokyo Bloody Mary, all of which, yet again, don’t exactly tinkle my bell – but the ladies I’ve been here with (and who inevitably ended up rejecting me) were all happy with them. Furthermore, to give the bartenders some credit, when I asked them to make me a whiskey sour they did, and it was excellent.

To be honest I haven’t tried the food here (with the exception of some cheeses that were brought to a special function) largely because, at the time of writing, there is no food here unless you prearrange it. However, a fine food supper menu will apparently be available soon when they have a new kitchen facility and is likely to contain such fare as lobster and quail gourmet butters, terrines, caviar and pate.

There’s also a burlesque show every fortnight on Thursdays (it costs $20 – phone 0414 878 552 to book). Called An Evening of Burlesque Follies, it features Rachel St James (a cabaret dancer and former Penthouse Pet of the Year) as the headline burlesque act along with other artists that often include magician Adam Mada and lounge singers Denis Sheridan and Frank Bennett.

At this point I should really wrap things up, although I will mention that a bald midget servant covered in gold body paint is apparently available for hire at De Nom (although this might just be a rumour). This is the only fact that Bar Zine hasn’t double checked with the bar itself, but then maybe it’s good to leave a little mystery. After all, one of the main attractions of De Nom is that you never quite know what to expect from it.

Now it’s your turn – how do you rate this bar?
(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
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De Nom, 231 Oxford St (on the top floor), Darlinghurst, Sydney (located above Ruby Rabbit). Phone 9332 9197 or see the De Nom website. Open Wednesday to Saturday until late. Don’t even bother getting there before nine unless told otherwise.

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